Being a close friend of someone getting married doesn't automatically qualify you as a good bridesmaid, and it's about time we recognize this. While being a bridesmaid is often seen as the pinnacle of friendship, the idea of taking on that role is not appealing to me.

If you're indifferent to things like penis straws, rosé, and choosing decor that embodies eternal love, here's your reliable guide to receiving that “I’m going to relieve you of your bridesmaid duties” message.

Having been removed from two bridal parties myself, I can offer guidance if you're aiming to avoid seating arrangements and ugly shoes. Let's delve into it.

First, consider whether you want to maintain your friendship with this person. This decision will greatly influence your approach.

That’s fine, this job is dreadful anyway. (Credit: Bridesmaids)

Scenario 1: You Want To Remain Friends Despite Not Being A Bridesmaid

This is doable, but you need to proceed very carefully, treating it like a strategic game of chess. Exiting the bridal party can end a friendship if not handled cautiously. You might need to fabricate a personal crisis if you aren't already experiencing one, to show her you're not in the right headspace to choose the ideal peach-colored engagement party tablecloth. You must take full responsibility, admit it's somehow your fault, and apologize in advance.

It's best to act early so she can replace you with a Steven Bradbury-type bridesmaid without being completely inconvenienced.

1. Plant the seed

Occasionally saying, “work is so messed up lately” can help. No job? Share your financial struggles with them. Post an IG story from an AA meeting if necessary. If your friend is even remotely empathetic, they'll get the hint, allowing you to maintain the friendship, possibly even enhancing it. You might even reconsider and want to be her bridesmaid again (unlikely, but possible).

Having a general reputation for being disorganized and lazy can be beneficial here. Fortunately, I've always had this trait, which has contributed positively to me being removed from bridal parties in the past.

2. Fake a family tragedy or pregnancy

This is an unfortunate but necessary step if you're still on her G-calendar invite for wedding flower discussions. Claiming a close cousin, whom she's never heard of, has died, can work wonders. However, this won't help if you're a bridesmaid for your sister or cousin.

The fake pregnancy is risky, but since brides have historically been uneasy about pregnant bridesmaids, it could effectively end your bridesmaid duties, especially if you've set the stage as described earlier. Needless to say, you won’t be "pregnant" by the wedding day.

3. Refuse to wear the bridesmaid dress she picks

This tactic is challenging but feasible. Agreeing on one dress among five women that everyone likes, fits, and is willing to pay for is genuinely harder than solving a Rubik’s Cube without a YouTube tutorial. Dress disagreements might cost the bride a bridesmaid, but ensure it's you – you don't want another bridesmaid using your orchestrated drama to exit before you. This mental battle can emphasize how unsuitable and self-centered you are to be a bridesmaid. She might be upset for a while, perhaps until her divorce, but it will eventually pass.

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Scenario 2: You Couldn’t Care Less About This Girl Or Her Wedding

Once, I found myself as a bridesmaid for a co-worker I barely knew and didn't particularly like. I knew I didn't want to be a bridesmaid but was unsure how to handle it. Thankfully, my poor behavior resolved the situation, so thanks to my unreliable behavior, love you <3.

1. Give another bridesmaid’s boyfriend a lap dance at the engagement party

Ensure he enjoys it, and this approach guarantees success. Bridesmaid B will handle the aftermath for you, and as soon as your actions take place, the wheels are in motion. I was swiftly dropped from the bridal party after this, and he’d agree I was quite a hot topic. Getting completely wasted at the engagement party might suffice, but I can't guarantee results.

2. Plan the wrong hens night

For a timid bride, suggest strippers and a wild night, get your dealer to draft a quote for the weekend, and present it to the bride and other bridesmaids. Your goal is to evoke a “Do you even know me???” look of disgust. She'll question your presence and the strength of your friendship, which, of course, is lacking. If they agree to the wild night, getting arrested should be straightforward and effective.

3. Ghost the bride

Surprisingly simple and somewhat satisfying. Mute your text conversations, mute her on Instagram. Block the other bridesmaids as well. Purchase a fun ringtone so you can dance when they call, something like “Sexy Back” to help you forget the purpose of the calls. You’ll miss the rehearsal dinner and subsequently the wedding without even realizing it.

This article originally appeared on PEDESTRIAN.TV in February 2020.